Note to Flipside: 8/16/24

Note to Flipside: 8/16/24

You’re OTG. So don’t read this.

You’re OTG. So don’t read this.

But apparently we’ve gone ahead and performed some comp review stuff and have decided to give you a raise. [may be substituted with any of the following: increase your options, provide a bonus, send you a bag of branded merch, offer you a special perk of one dryer vent cleaning per year]

Go figure, it wasn’t me — I mean, you’re doing great sh*t and all that, but hell, I just try to keep the pursestrings tight. Either way, I’m damn glad they gave you some $ because, well, work isn’t free or anything [or you can’t make a dollar without squeezing 10 dimes or your time is invaluable or don’t be all precious with us you little fancy pants] and so you might as well buy some fresh tomatoes or toddler food or a bottle of gin.

This whole thing is absolutely about setting the right culture (‘absolutely’ and ‘setting’ and ‘culture’ in double air finger quotes), or so I’ve been informed by the people that wring their hands about these types of things. Before asking me to send this note, they waved a bunch of papers in my face and talked sternly to me and claimed that a bunch of noodleheads made a pie chart that proved the correlation of cash with employee performance. [depending on tone you seek to set, feel free to use any of the following: talent, hired gun, desk jockey, grunt, order taker, annoyance, person I steal food from in the fridge]

You think I resisted? You bet your tootin’ calf-length socks I did — I’m not one to take these types of things lightly. I showed them my own charts (which were mainly lines and boxes with scribbled random numbers in them but they wouldn’t know that because I didn’t show them for very long) and I explained to them that, “beatings will continue until moral improves” was uttered by a famous organizational psychometrician who I accidentally brushed shoulders with in the men’s room at a conference, whose first name had too many vowels and a hyphen and so I could barely pronounce it, but they wouldn’t know that because I said it really fast and mumble-yipped the end so that it sounded more like Russian than Armenian.

You know what they say about money? It’s the root of all evil today. I heard that once. I did, for real. From someone who really knew about this type of stuff. A Mr. Floyd. Oh you know him? Yeah, ok, I’m not so sure you do, but if you did you’d know that he also said, you get a good job with more pay and you’re ok. Which is exactly what we’re apparently trying to do here.

I’m pretty sure that you haven’t been doing your job and so I’m reluctant to give you this letter because it’s only going to confuse you into thinking you’re all great and a model-employee and someone that other grunts might learn a thing or two from. But I’ve already told most of them that you’re a worthless warthog, and that even if we gave you a raise, it is simply to ensure that the company continues to operate in the red and will never make money, and is a perfect tax loss haven — but will probably end up just going out of business solely because we actually pay people. Which is perfect, because then you won’t be paid at all, and it may just be considered your fault for taking this raise [bonus, additional bag of chocolate, huge mound of ketamine, Toyota Corolla for decreasing our snowflake bill by $70k] and cratering the company for everybody.

So, shame on you. And hooray. And I don’t really care, but again, I’m confused by the excellent work you’re doing and do hope you have a good rest of your day and maybe the weekend. Be sure you’re in early on Monday because we have a lot to do, and you’re really necessary and invaluable and someone I consider a friend (but only a work friend).

Anyway…I guess…congrats. Thrilled for you (and us).

Preesh,

Your Direct Manager’s Executive in Charge

Originally posted on medium.com